Belt it out

Ok so I am the worlds worst blogger.  I wont even call myself a blogger... but I have plans for the New Year.  I want to use this blog more to inspire, share and reflect.  I am not sure why because I certainly don't think much of what I have to say :)  and I am planning on documenting my latest food challenge- I will be doing a Whole30 when we get back from vacation.... oh crap I said it now I have to do it!

Anyways I want to hit publish on a little thing that I did today.... I had an emotional day.  Its been draining really.  The kids are at grandmas for the night so I am sitting here alone cleaning the kitchen *blissful!*.... but, I also have Jesus Culture BLASTING and I am signing at the top of my lungs worshipping.  And you know what? I feel amazing.  You know when you see an ugly puppy and you say "a face only a mama could love!"....  well right now the way I am belting it out you could say "a voice only a Father could love".  I am grateful for that.  When I don't know how to pray.  What to ask for.  When I don't want to be changed. I can  ALWAYS worship.  My God is that Good.  No matter what he dishes out he is worthy and will always meet me.

Happy New Years everyone! 

Baby Phat

Ok I have really been neglecting this site... I have had so many things I have wanted to write about but I didn’t have time or energy to make it pretty and creative and well written so I just scrapped the ideas... I need to let it go and just dive in I think.  This is a long one... and not very pretty because I just want to get it out... sorry...

Ok my weight loss journey... I need to document this so I can remember this for the next baby (hopefully God willing, someday, not-so-soon J )....  It’s been a long one but I can safely say I am happy where I am and where I am going.  I hope I can encourage or inspire some mama’s to take care of their body the way a dear friend did for me.  

I gain A LOT of weight with my babies... 50lbs with each of them.  Tipping the scales at 215 lbs...   I could say that the weight is what my body needs to grow a healthy baby or I could also say it is because I showed no restraint and had BigMacs several times a week... Hmmm maybe I will stick with the first reason?!  But to justify it, right after I delivered my son the BigMac cravings went away so I will still justify them as completely necessary.

I so wish I was one of those lucky women who lose the baby weight weeks after having the baby.  You know those mama’s who look slim, flat tummy’s  all while having a glorious chest from nursing... I have many beautiful friends like that.  I am not one of them.  I am puffy, swollen, and oh so chubby... and I need to work to get the scale to move.  I need to work HARD.  

This time around I had to kick things into gear much faster.  I am standing in my besties wedding in a few weeks so I always had that motivating me to slim down.  With my daughter I didn’t try to actively start losing weight until around 6 months (I was stuck in the post partum fog and really had a hard time coping.  This time- 6 weeks I did my first video!  Now I don’t necessarily recommend this- It was hard!  But I did it and slowly I was able to make it through a whole 20min work out!   I was only able to work out 1 maybe 2 times a week plus walking the dog as soon as the weather would allow it.  I did try to go out a couple of nights but returned to find the baby screaming and my hubby not too please that I left him helpless and boob-less with the baby...  

Diet wise I dappled into clean eating... I am still fully supportive of eating this way but that in of its self is not enough for me to slim down.  I know how to and usually do eat healthy but I still eat too much of the good stuff.  I have also used breastfeeding as an excuse to eat whatever I want- I really had no idea what 500 calories extra looked like and was eating way too much to ever expect to lose anything!  I needed something more to get me going.  So after eating better, home cooking most of our meals and treats and exercising as regularly as two little ones would allow the weight started to come off slowly....

I have been working out in my basement using Lindsay Brin’s post natal workout mostly and a little Slim in 6 to kick it old school now and then.

Enter Weight Watchers!  I decided to join so I had someone holding me accountable and if you are paying to have someone weigh you.... you will lose weight!!  I have been doing WW now for 17 weeks... (kinda not really but I will get to that later)  I really committed for a couple of months and had great results- 1-2 lbs a week which is perfect while breastfeeding.  My milk supply is very sensitive so this has been really stressful for me... eating too little causes my weight to stop coming off and affects my milk supply, I go into real starvation mode.... so it is always hard for me to figure out if I am eating too much or too little... but it was working...  I am still on the WW plan because I am working towards becoming a lifetime member.  I have 2 weeks left and then I did it!  I am not at my goal weight but I am a weight and BMI that is considered healthy so for economical reasons this is my goal ;)

Now about 2 months ago I was introduced to the world of Paleo/Primal/Whole30 eating by my dear friend...  I am not going to lie... I thought the whole thing was kind of crazy- “Really you are going to give up not only bread but all grains?  And dairy??  How will you ever last on that diet? That can’t be healthy...”   So I tried it because she had AMAZING results and the whole thing was so inspiring! I first went partially gluten free.  I gave up bread and pasta and started baking with spelt, coconut and almond flour... and I felt pretty good!  My energy was higher (relatively though because we still aren’t sleeping in this house!), my tummy was happier and I was still losing weight.   We had some friend visit for a weekend and they happen to be vegetarian and since we weren’t going to eat meat that weekend grains were back on the table.  I couldn’t believe how awful I felt eating all that (and lots of it) again.  After that I was convinced that it was my diet that was making me feel so much better.  So now I am following the Primal Blueprint diet and using My Fitness Palto track my intake instead of WW so I can see my carb intake better.  It’s like the Paleo only a little less strict (80/20 principle which I am probably more like 70/30).  I love it.  I really don’t miss bread (I do sneak in the occasional nibble like my girls left over peanut butter sandwich this morning!!) and I love the challenge of filling my plate with as many veggies as I can.  I eat eggs and some veggies for breakfast, a huge ass salad for lunch, nuts and fruit for snacks, coconut milk in my coffee (I LOVE it this way and now much prefer it to cream!), and for dinner any meat with 2 kinds of veggies loaded on my plate.  Snacks are hard because my hubby loves his cheese and crackers and snack foods as a treat...  The weight came off so fast eating this way- but I am eating tons of protein, and healthy fat (love me some avocado and coconut oil!!) so I feel really good while doing it (and my milk is happy!!!).  I really recommend this to anyone.  Basically if I am making a meal- it will be primal friendly.  But if we go out to friends or family, I will happily eat whatever is on my plate.  Since I don’t have any actual diagnosed food allergies or celiac I will eat wheat or grains on occasion.  I really don’t want to live in any form of bondage and food is meant to be enjoyed so I don’t want to be all legalistic about this...  If I can help it I will eat this way because I know how good it is for me and how good I feel eating this way.  Plus I really like the food I am eating!

So how have I done?  Since the day my baby was born 6.5months ago I have lost 40lbs!  15lbs in the last few months while on WW and doing this Primal thing.  I am so proud of myself!  Really I am... but  I do need to lose a bit more... I am not trying to achieve a body that is perfect or that looks like it did before babies... to quote a friend “I am not the same woman now so why would I expect my body to be?”.  My boobs will NEVER be the same, the marks on my belly aren’t going away, and my hips are probably going to stay the way they are!  I am happy when I see pictures of myself or a glimpse in the mirror but still have some work to do.  Another 10lbs would be a good goal for me.  I have completely hit a plateau and I my body did this last time until I stopped breast feeding.  So I will keep trying but know the scale probably won’t budge much more until I wean my baby.  

I decided a few weeks ago to celebrate my hard work.  I bought two new bathing suits (ok they may have come from a maternity store...I have many GOOD reasons for this purchase!) and some new clothes (in a size medium!!) and felt great about myself.  I know I still need to work hard but I am working towards strength and health and less towards an image.  I want to achieve optimal health and I really believe that excess fat is not part of that for me.  My body has done something miraculous... it has housed and birthed two beautiful babies and continues to provide nourishment for one of them... I need to give it grace.  I still have some baby phat but it’s with a p-h!  LOL sorry I couldn’t resist :)

Remember the gift

We have had some bad near misses at home the past couple of months It is literally by the grace of God that my babies are safe and sound and that I am able to still be their mother.  Out of fear for harsh judgement or trouble I won’t get into the details but they were bad... involving a diaper bag, long drive across town, a local pond... and of course the daily falls and bumps that make me thank the Lord children are so resilient.   We know how blessed we were in all of these circumstances for his divine protection and grace. 

Was I being negligent?  No I don’t think so.  Could I watch them more closely and take more precautions?  Of course... we all could, especially in hindsight.   I realized that God has given me these children.  Out of all the mothers, and all the babies in the entire world; these ones were hand selected for me to raise.  Children are a gift of God, “Children are a heritage from the Lord, offspring a reward from him.” Psalm 127:3.  It is hard in the mundane, long and tiresome days to think of them that way but they are- gifts.  (I joked with a friend recently after a bad day that if this is a gift can you imagine hell ? :) I joke... I love my children and know our God is gracious and loving) 

After one particularly close and bad incident, my husband fell asleep with our sweet girl, just holding onto her.  He was so close to losing her.  Afterwards I went in and held her too.  I remember just thanking God for her.  Thanking God that I was still her mother- I almost lost that privilege. Thanking God for stepping in saving her.  The next days after every tantrum, scream, disobedient act, night time disturbance... reminding myself that I almost lost the chance to do this.  I saw them as the gifts they were intended to be.  Truly felt the joy that they bring me every single day. I can't believe I forgot that.  The sick part of me forgetting is that I used to work in the PICU at CHEO... although I wasn't a parent yet, I saw tragedy, accidents and miracles everyday... still I forgot.  It really did put things back into perspective...

... I lost that perspective recently. I forgot again. I guess that is why I sat down to write this.  My patience has been so thin, I feel like I am failing, I yell, I discipline very ineffectively, I give up, I looked up job postings....  But what I am remembering is that God gave them to ME.  He wants me to mother them, to raise them up to be whoever he desires them to be, to be the one to pick them up when they fall, to pray over them while they sleep, kiss their little heads, be there for them day in and day out.  Me (and of course my hubby J!)   And the most amazing part is that he has given me everything I need to do it (Psalm 16:5).  The Lord sees something in me that make me perfect for raising these particular children....  amazing!  After some early morning quiet time I think I snapped out of my funk.  Today has been better.  I just pray that with His help and guidance that I can fulfil his calling and bring him glory by treasuring these gifts and doing the best I can with what he has given me.  

So the point of me writing this was to share how quickly we can forget to treasure the moment, the lives, the gift that our babies are.  The days can be long.  I know.   When faced with the potential for real loss, it really woke me up to pay attention.  To remember God is in control.  God is good- always.  But bad things will still happen.  But I know for myself after a few bad days I quickly can forget about the gift of my children, my role and my calling.

It takes a village to raise a mama

This has been on my heart for a while now.  Then I read this blog article today and I knew I had to write about this.  I have never been a real girly girl growing up.  I played sports, lots of sports and thought all that girl stuff was silly.   I never got into New Kids, I never made up dance routines at sleepovers, I still don’t know how to do my hair let alone play with another girl’s... and looking back, I really wish I did.   But I am making up for it now.  

I have been so blessed with many mommy friends.   I have a great community in my neighbourhood, my city, and the on line world.  And honestly I could not and would not be the mom I am today if it weren’t for these relationships.  It really has taken a village to raise me into the mom I am.  To mentor me, love me, comfort me, encourage me...  There is something very specialy about women coming along to help another out.  I am always so comforted by moms who have been there before, had my struggles and experiences and can offer some words of wisdom for me.  They also really help to make me feel sane again :)

I have always found the early weeks of mommy hood to be very dark and hard and it is so easy to feel alone and overwhelmed.  I think people tend to draw back (I know I do...) and let the new mommy be but I will never forget the phone calls (ok I have,  I don’t remember many details from those weeks!) but I will never forget how much those phone calls meant to me.  Just simple things that mommies know another mommy needs.

These women (you know who you are) are especially amazing because they have done these things for me:

-made me meals

-invited my family over after I have had ‘one of those days’

-call to check in

-lend me baby clothes

-problem solves nap issues with me

-have me over for a coffee

-take my kids so I can go have a coffee break

-babysit when I am stuck

-take the dog out for a walk

-take the dog and the toddler out for a walk (without me:))

-call while at the grocery store to check if I need anything (seriously this has happened more than once... amazing...)

-take my kids coat and boots off when I get to their house because my hands are full and do the same on the way out

-make me laugh so hard I pee my pants *ok this may have only happened in the post-partum period!*

-intervening during meltdowns before I have a meltdown
-send bible verses to me

-share their struggles

-admit failure
-pray for me

-tell me I am doing a great job

-tell me they love my kids

See, I am pretty spoiled... :) I am a first generation Christian and am by grace fumbling my way around trying to raise my children for the glory of the Lord and so that one day they will know their Saviour.  I know I am ultimately led by the Lord and he needs to be my rock, but he has placed such amazing women in my life to show me the ‘how-to’s’ and to reflect his light into areas I didn’t know needed to be lit up.  I feel like a sponge off these women and I am so grateful for them.

So if you don’t have a community.  Please reach out and find one.  The article in the beginning has many good ideas on how to find one.  Join a play group, say hi to a mom in the park, and take initiative.  We ALL need this.  I am also a big fan of Blog land.  These bloggers who I will never meet and changed my life.  I love them all so much.  I am known to always be re-posting things on FB and probably annoying half of my friends but I find this to be such a supportive and encouraging community I want to share with other moms who might be struggling with something too.  Some of my most influential blogs are:  A Holy Experience, Women LivingWell, Good Monring Girls, Time-Warp Wife, Grace Full Mama, The Better Mom and for a good laugh when you think (or know!) you are going crazy grab a coffee and get lost here for a bit- Rants from Mommy Land. In fact, just grab a coffee anyways and enjoy!

New Mom Part II

I am a new mom.  Not a first time mom but a new mom.  A new mom to my sweet little man.  I think it can be easy to forget that I am new at this.  I am new to having this baby, having a boy, having a toddler and to having two under two.

This time around is so much easier.  Yes I just said that.  Life isn’t easier and job isn’t easier, but being a new mom is so much easier.  

If I could go back in time two years... I would probably slap myself and yell “get a grip!!”.  I was a wreck. It was so hard!!   I was stressed, exhausted, nervous, let her cry too much, I cried too much, starved her (before you call children’s aid, we had breastfeeding issues and this was completely unintentional!!), let books be my conscience, and I worried about everything.  But I know that this was all normal (well maybe not everything on that list!).  I have been lucky enough that many of my friends came into motherhood after I did and after many heartfelt talks know that many of these emotions are very common to the new mom.  It’s not really talked about though... I know I was ashamed that I wasn’t  thriving, that it wasn’t like a Pampers commercial, that sometimes I resented her- why can’t she let me sleep, eat, shower, BE...!?  That she didn’t eat and sleep like the books told me she should/would...

So what is different this time around?  Well for starters, ME.  I am a changed woman.  Sweet baby girl made me a better person.  She mirrors my flaws, my sins, my struggles right back to me as she always turns me back to Jesus.  Never before have I had to cling so much to the cross.  The past year after deciding to stay home full-time God has been transforming me.  Daily I am drawn to repentance and begging for grace.  Grace for my failures and grace to extend to my sweet babes.  Begging for help and wisdom- “How on earth do I do this now?!”  I have to remain in constant prayer for guidance and strength.  I’m not talking about on my knees hand lifted prayer, but silent petitions, quick pleas for help, brief moments of repentance, listening for gentle Spirit whispers.  Remembering that I can do all things...

I have been able to enjoy the new born stage so much more this time... which is odd because my attention is split, the days are long and loud and I have another big little one running around.  But now I know how fleeting time is.  This first year FLIES by.  The good, the bad and the ugly are all over so quickly.  

I have learned:

-It is ok to not stimulate a baby all day.  He is ok to sit with me while I work, rest or work out.  I remember feeling like I could only get stuff done if she was napping... and she didn’t nap *long*.... hence my resentment!

-That habits really don’t form that easily.  Keep trying to enforce healthy sleep and feeding habits but at the end of the day we all need to survive and do what you need to do to get through it!  Every day and week are so different and will be over so soon.

-Trust your instincts.  I don’t need books to tell me how to feed, play, and sleep my baby.  I still do pull them off the shelf from time to time but now I have the confidence and experience to know that these are only suggestions and every baby is truly unique.  I could not have birthed two babies who are more different if I tried!  What might work for one baby won’t always work for the next.  What worked one day, won’t always work the next.   It was so freeing to let this go and mother the way my gut was telling me too. 

-Sleep and naps are so important for baby- how you get there is not so much!   Need the swing?  Take it!  Need the boob? Here it is!   Feeling lonely?  Curl up in bed with me!  I still did some sleep training, and he does take some naps in his crib and now sleep in his crib all night but I don’t fight it this time (mostly because I can’t with a toddler running in and out of the nusery!).  It’s not worth getting stressed and upset.  The ultimate goal is a well rested baby.  Sometimes after a short crib nap he will finish one off in the swing or just hang out the rest of the afternoon.

- Postpartum rest is HUGE.  The first month I rested after little man (well as much as I could given him being against sleep) which I didn’t do the first time around.  The first time I tried to do it all too soon and too quickly. So I asked for help this time and I took full advantage of it.  “Sleep when the baby sleeps” you hear that all the time... but really GO TO SLEEP! Everything can wait till you are fully recovered.   I really think that taking that first month (take more if you don’t have other children!) off of life and just resting, eating, nursing and playing with sweet baby girl helped me recover 10 times faster.  The house fell apart and I looked a mess but it was ok!  You will never get those early days back.  I wish I stayed in my PJ’s and enjoy them J

-Don’t worry about getting out so much in the early days.  You have a whole year of mat leave to enjoy so stay home and rest for a while.  You are allowed to hide away.  The world will be waiting for you when you are ready. 

-Babies cry.  And that’s ok.  They don’t hate you. When baby cries, finish your sip of water, bite of supper, and don’t run from the shower naked and dripping wet (there is a visual for you!).  Do you what you can to sooth but it’s not the end of the world.  It will be ok.

-Routines are important, but not worth going crazy over!  I used to freak out if heaven forbid she needed to eat before 3 hours or broke my 7am, 10am, 1pm, 4pm,7pm, 10pm 4am repeat.... It was so distressing and made me feel like a failure.  The first time new mom in me would scoff at our ‘routine’ now!  But who is happier? ;)

In the end we all came out alright both the first time and now the second time. I am still exhausted, sleep can be elusive, and some days start at 4:30am. The work is not easier- it is very hard juggling two babies, not being able to sleep in after night time feedings, getting out the door in the winter, keeping the house somewhat tidy, eating and drinking enough to take care of me and make milk, diaper after diaper allll day long.... but the adjustment and the shock of being a new mom is so much easier.  

So after I finish slapping myself, I would give myself a hug, pour me a BIG coffee and say that you are doing great.  God has placed a high calling on you and given you a mighty job to raise this tiny person.  Relax, rest in Him.  Trust yourself and ENJOY this all.  You don’t need to find the joy in the diapers and the crying and the sleepless nights but seek out the joy in the quiet moments and in the day to day of caring for this precious gift.  Please, just rest and enjoy!  I certainly do not have all the answers this time around but I am figuring out how to thrive and live like I’m in a Pampers commercial (I just have more leaks ;) )  

I don't know how to write...

Hi there!  Welcome to my blog.  I don't know how to write.  I don't anything about technology (I lost this original posting already!).  I certainly don't know how to blog.  I don't know what I am doing here.  Want to keep reading with me? So what do I know and what do I want to share?  I do know that I am deeply flawed.  And it is only by His grace and strength that I can do anything.  I know that I have a calling on my life to be a wife and mother.  I know they are also hard jobs.  I fail daily.  I know I have a heart for encouraging moms.  Maybe its because I needed so much encouragement myself.   So please join me as we are gently led on this path to motherhood.  I have so much to share and feel like I am annoying those on Facebook who quite frankly don't care :)  Grace and prayers as I figure this out.